ENGLISH OF A DESI TEACHER….
In class
* Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the air force come in.
* Cut an apple in two halfs- take the bigger half.
* Shhh…Quiet, boys…the principal just passed away outside
* Both of you three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the window.
* Take Copper Wire of any metal specially of Silver.
* Take 5 cm wire of any length.
About family
* I have two daughters both of them are girls
At the play ground
* All of you, stand in a straight circle.
* There is no wind in the balloon.
Punishment :
* You, rotate the ground four times
* You, go and under-stand the tree
* You three of you, stand together separately.
* Why you are late – say YES or NO
Mr.Bean
1) BRAIN TUMOR:
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I’m dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you’ve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean: I’d like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn’t know the alphabet yet!!
4) QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend: What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!
5) Marriage:
Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean: 16
Friend: Why?
Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it’s a horror film. I didn’t see any picture.
Friend: What tape did you took anyway?
Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.
7) Mr. Bean:
(crying) the doctor called, Mom’s dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend: what now?
Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!
MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague: Sorry I’m late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean: That’s alright, me too…I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) Spelling lesson:
Mr. Bean’s Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful….is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!
One day a man was going on the street. He met a man who asked him what had happened to his ears as both ears covered with bandages.
He said: “I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, i pick up the iron, so i burnt my ear.”
The man asked “So what happened to your other ear?”
He said “That same stupid guy called again”
A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building and she suddenly trips over something and falls down. On her way falling down, an American man catches her, she says : “Oh thank you, you saved my life, I’ll do ANYTHING for you…”
The man says: “Okay then, sleep with me.”
She says : “You PIG!! NEVER!!”
So he says “FINE!” and he drops her down…. So she’s falling and screaming…
Suddenly a German man catches her in the air from his balcony, she says :”Oh thank you, you saved me, I’ll do anything that you ask…”
The guy says : “Fraulein, sleep with me.”
She replies: “Oh you nasty pig!!! NEVER!”
So the man says : “Fine!!!” and he also drops her down again.
She’s falling and thinking that it was better if she slept with one of those men and now she’s going to die.
Suddenly, a Muslim man catches the woman from his balcony, she says : “Oh thank you, you saved my life, I’ll SLEEP with you!!”
The Muslim man replies : “Astaqfirulla’h!” and he drops her.
.
BOOM!
Once in a men locker room of a golf course a mobile rang, everybody stopped to listen. The man picked up the phone and on the line was a lady “Darling i saw a very beautiful dress its only for Rs50,000, can i buy it?
MAN: sure darling
LADY: and i saw a very elegant gold set for a lakh…
MAN: buy it sweetheart
LADY: and a decorative painting for our room how abt that only 75,000?
MAN: of course
LADY: thank you, i love u!
Everyone at the locker room started staring at the man, after sometime the man shouted “Does anyone knows the owner of the phone?”
One fat guy – goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new
gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone’s weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on
the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They
lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He’s standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and
out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying “If you catch me, I’m
yours.”
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.
Before he knows it, he’s running all over the gym, up the ladders,
down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just
as he’s about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door.
In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh
him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.
He’s back on the street and starts to think.
“God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time…
So he races back to the gym and says, “I want to lose 20 more kg.”
“No problem,” says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he’s standing by the door
when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, “If I catch you, you’re
mine.”
STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo
and the security force become tense
and start searching for them
after an hour the one was found drinking pepsi
the second one was found eating burger
and the third one found
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“READING THIS JOKE”
A kid was playing with his newly bought play train. After every turn was completed the kid stopped the train and shouted, “Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHEY ko utarna hai utar jaey!”
Then he let the train go on the round and stopped it again at the same place. He shouted, “Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHEY ko utarna hai utar jaey!”
And so it went for sometime. Everytime the train stopped the kid would scream the same sentence. His Dad, sitting near him, got a little worried about the kid using bad language. He took the train away from him and scolded the child, “Don’t talk like that!”
The kid sat silently for sometime and Dad couldn’t bear to see the sad innocent face. He returned the train back to him saying, “Now son, don’t talk like that again.”
The kid started playing. The train took the same turn and stopped and the kid shouted, “Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHE ko utarna hai utar jaey! Pehley hee ek ULLU KE PATHEY ke waja se train aadha ghanta late ho gaee hai!”
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